ARGH
For some reason blogger wouldnt let me post things. I have no idea if this will post or not. I had a long, thoughtful post for 19w that would NOT post no matter what I did and I got all pissy and left. I dont even think it saved anywhere.
So here I try again.
Today we went to a multiples class. "What to expect when expecting multiples" it was supposed to be taught by a L&D nurse that is a mom to twins about pregnancy, delivery and the first year with twins and parenting. I was looking forward to it! Well guess what, the lady went on vacation. There was seriously 1 class in the 6 months time period since I started looking and she cant make it to the one class? Some other woman took her place and ... well she was not good. I think i might call someone and complain. I mean sure, that woman tried her best, but it was not what I paid for.
oh well.
These babies are getting pretty crazy lately. They wiggle and squirm and kick.. It is pretty insane. I am so astonished by how different it feels from my first pregnancy. My daughter had an anterior placenta, so I guess I didnt feel her as much. But with two in there, I feel like I am in one of those alien movies where I am just a host body with aliens in me or some shit.
It's interesting because I feel like I can see them... my brain analyzes the movements and creates a vision of what they are doing. Baby movements. At our level 2 u/s this week we learned they both have hair! I guess I havent really given much thought to what they look like, but it feels so strange to know they have hair! OH and we were also given a c/s date! Oct 11! So, unless I go into labor on my own, they will be born that day!
I may or may not have had a panic attack.. I just cant believe how close that seems yet how far away too. I feel like we have so much to do, but I dont even know what. We have the nursery furniture set up but nothing at all on the walls. I have a creative block and cant think of what to do!
Overall I am feeling pretty good, everything seems right on tract. My OB says everything is pretty damn near perfect as far as a twin pregnancy goes. Sure, I am exhausted, uncomfortable a lot of the time and I cant sleep for shit.. but I am so very happy to be where I am. I am grateful every day for beating IF and for these two precious lives we have been blessed with!
Things that have happened since my last post:
* My dog of 13 years died in my arms. RIP Dexter... the best dog anyone could ever even dream of having and i miss him every single day! Losing a best friend combined with pg emotions is something else...
* My parents came up from GA three different times in July for various events they had going on. We got to see them each time!
* We cleared out our spare room and painted it, moved our daughter in there, cleared out her room and started prepping it for the nursery. Ordered, rec'd and set up all the nursery furniture.
* I have been bargain shopping my heart out. My local message board has been a good resource as are the garage sales I hit up this summer. I have a really good amount of 0-3m clothes!
* I have about 500 diapers thanks go my obsession with finding good deals on amazon mom :) I think I need to take a break. I have no idea how many i need.
i dont even know what else :)
I am going to bed!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
16 weeks - I have two penises in me!!!
OMG I have made it to 16 weeks!!! I am starting to be scared less and less. I think this might really happen for us! I am fully sporting a baby bump and even got 2 belly rubs last week. I was in shock i think. The first one was a friend from high schools girlfriend, she rubbed it and said "oh the girls at work say they hate that! Do you hate it too?" (she is a nurse) ... uhhhhhh yeeeeessssssss!!!! But I couldnt bring myself to say it! Normally I am beyond brutally honest and I am "that girl" that would actually have the balls to rub the persons belly back. But I couldnt do it. She was so sweet and excited for me, and honestly - I think i am just so damned happy to have this bump!!
I cant believe how much has changed in such a short time. I took picts of myself at 11w, 13w and 15w.. I wish two things. 1) that I would have started sooner. 2) that I would have taken them somewhere other than my work bathroom! gross!!! But I kept forgetting and I would remember on Weds during the bumps Wednesday "Hump day Bump day!" when i was at work. So. Maybe if i figure out how to insert pictures on here i will do that soon.
We did an elective ultrasound at 14 weeks and found out that we are having 2 little boys!!! I dont even know what to think of that! I am so used to all things girly girl so I guess I need to wrap my brain around rambunctious little boys! Right now we are absolutely stumped on names. I had my girl names already narrowed down. But naming 2 boys seems impossible to me right now!
I cant believe how much has changed in such a short time. I took picts of myself at 11w, 13w and 15w.. I wish two things. 1) that I would have started sooner. 2) that I would have taken them somewhere other than my work bathroom! gross!!! But I kept forgetting and I would remember on Weds during the bumps Wednesday "Hump day Bump day!" when i was at work. So. Maybe if i figure out how to insert pictures on here i will do that soon.
We did an elective ultrasound at 14 weeks and found out that we are having 2 little boys!!! I dont even know what to think of that! I am so used to all things girly girl so I guess I need to wrap my brain around rambunctious little boys! Right now we are absolutely stumped on names. I had my girl names already narrowed down. But naming 2 boys seems impossible to me right now!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
12 weeks
Yeah I don't get on here as much as I want to.
A couple things have happened since my last post. At 7 weeks we had an apt and saw all 3 little hearts just beating away! It was amazing, I teared up as did Hubby. After all we have been though it just seemed like a huge miracle and a blessing. Very surreal. It was almost like the 2 babies I had lost were making up for it by giving me 3 at once. I was still holding back my excitement as I know things can change on a dime. My RE discussed the option to reduce down to two and warned us of the dangers of carrying 3 babies. She said if everybody was still going strong at the next appointment she was going to refer us to a specialist to consult further. I was a bit upset and felt like she was putting a huge damper on the excitement we had. We were so happy to see any little heart beating let alone 3!!
We went home and had a few long talks over the next couple of days. We decided that we would consider what the doctor had to say and not completely rule it out - but we were pretty confident that we would continue to carry all 3 babies. "Reducing" one was not something I feel I could do and carry on my conscience. Not after what I have been though to get here. Probably not even if I hadnt been through hell and back to arrive here. They want to do that around 12 weeks! When they look and move around like a baby, have arms, legs, fingers, and toes.. . fingernails even! No way could I kill a healthy one of those, not unless there was some indisputable medical evidence that it would kill me or the other 2 babies.
At 8 weeks we learned that we lost Baby B. Its heart stopped beating and it stopped growing. I was quite a bit beat up about it at first, I had wrapped my brain around and embraced having triplets. I knew it was going to be hard and was risky. I know carrying two has a lot less risk. But losing yet another baby was very upsetting to me. I was a bit upset about how my RE seemed a bit happy about it and relieved that we weren't having three. After all, she had a discussion about reducing one of the 3 right from the beginning. It took a couple of days but I am ok with it now. I have no choice. I will love the remaining two and pray that nothing happens to them.
I really dont feel out of the woods yet. As each week passes and I get more and more confident I let myself worry a little less. I am a nervous wreck before each ultrasound scared they are going to tell me it is all over. I have had 7 ultrasounds so far and I have to say I am in love. I am heads over heels in love with these babies and if something happens to them I am just going to be crushed into a million little pieces.
We told Pie this week. She asks me for a baby sister or brother all.the.time and I have been dying to tell her. We didnt want to tell her and then have to un-tell her. But she asks all the time so I really wanted to spill the beans. Hubby finally agreed to it one night after dinner when she was asking for a sister again. I asked her "how many babies do you think we should have" She held up 2 fingers and said "Two! Two babies." I said something like "well that is good! Pie, we are going to have two babies! There are two babies in Mommy's tummy. You are going to be a big sister!" She instantly started screaming, squealing with happiness saying "yay!!! I am gunna be a big sister! Two babies!!" We all talked about it a bit more to make sure she understood. I dont think she fully gets it but she does understand for the most part.
That night before bed she said "Mommy, how did the babies get in your belly? Did you eat them?" LOL OMG I laughed so hard. I assured her that no, I didnt eat them I am just growing them in there. Next she asked "Did Daddy put them in there." I said "Uh yeah." He did... lol I wonder if she knows more than I give her credit for!!
Tomorrow I have my NT Scan with the specialist at the hospital. They test for Downs and other chromosomal abnormalities. A lot of people opt out of this test, I am not sure why - I guess they don't feel they are at risk or they just don't want to know. It is a higher level ultrasound and you get to see great pictures of your little ones, plus if anything is going to go wrong I would like to know as much as possible before hand if I can. We are debating on if we should bring Pie with us or not. It is a pretty long appointment, but we think it might be good for her to check out the babies and see them. But if we do get bad news, I don't know if I want her there. Decisions, decisions.
I am so very happy and grateful to have made it this far. I really hope that everything keeps going strong. I hate IF and Loss and the fear it has instilled in me. I am fully vested in this pregnancy but I cant help but to worry and have anxiety over each day. I am so very sad for all the IF girls on my message board that I have left behind. I hate that anyone is struggling with this and it sickens me about the lack of awareness and support for this disease. I keep wracking my brain about what I can do. What difference can I make? I have to do something on my part to battle this for others. I don't know what it will be.
A couple things have happened since my last post. At 7 weeks we had an apt and saw all 3 little hearts just beating away! It was amazing, I teared up as did Hubby. After all we have been though it just seemed like a huge miracle and a blessing. Very surreal. It was almost like the 2 babies I had lost were making up for it by giving me 3 at once. I was still holding back my excitement as I know things can change on a dime. My RE discussed the option to reduce down to two and warned us of the dangers of carrying 3 babies. She said if everybody was still going strong at the next appointment she was going to refer us to a specialist to consult further. I was a bit upset and felt like she was putting a huge damper on the excitement we had. We were so happy to see any little heart beating let alone 3!!
We went home and had a few long talks over the next couple of days. We decided that we would consider what the doctor had to say and not completely rule it out - but we were pretty confident that we would continue to carry all 3 babies. "Reducing" one was not something I feel I could do and carry on my conscience. Not after what I have been though to get here. Probably not even if I hadnt been through hell and back to arrive here. They want to do that around 12 weeks! When they look and move around like a baby, have arms, legs, fingers, and toes.. . fingernails even! No way could I kill a healthy one of those, not unless there was some indisputable medical evidence that it would kill me or the other 2 babies.
At 8 weeks we learned that we lost Baby B. Its heart stopped beating and it stopped growing. I was quite a bit beat up about it at first, I had wrapped my brain around and embraced having triplets. I knew it was going to be hard and was risky. I know carrying two has a lot less risk. But losing yet another baby was very upsetting to me. I was a bit upset about how my RE seemed a bit happy about it and relieved that we weren't having three. After all, she had a discussion about reducing one of the 3 right from the beginning. It took a couple of days but I am ok with it now. I have no choice. I will love the remaining two and pray that nothing happens to them.
I really dont feel out of the woods yet. As each week passes and I get more and more confident I let myself worry a little less. I am a nervous wreck before each ultrasound scared they are going to tell me it is all over. I have had 7 ultrasounds so far and I have to say I am in love. I am heads over heels in love with these babies and if something happens to them I am just going to be crushed into a million little pieces.
We told Pie this week. She asks me for a baby sister or brother all.the.time and I have been dying to tell her. We didnt want to tell her and then have to un-tell her. But she asks all the time so I really wanted to spill the beans. Hubby finally agreed to it one night after dinner when she was asking for a sister again. I asked her "how many babies do you think we should have" She held up 2 fingers and said "Two! Two babies." I said something like "well that is good! Pie, we are going to have two babies! There are two babies in Mommy's tummy. You are going to be a big sister!" She instantly started screaming, squealing with happiness saying "yay!!! I am gunna be a big sister! Two babies!!" We all talked about it a bit more to make sure she understood. I dont think she fully gets it but she does understand for the most part.
That night before bed she said "Mommy, how did the babies get in your belly? Did you eat them?" LOL OMG I laughed so hard. I assured her that no, I didnt eat them I am just growing them in there. Next she asked "Did Daddy put them in there." I said "Uh yeah." He did... lol I wonder if she knows more than I give her credit for!!
Tomorrow I have my NT Scan with the specialist at the hospital. They test for Downs and other chromosomal abnormalities. A lot of people opt out of this test, I am not sure why - I guess they don't feel they are at risk or they just don't want to know. It is a higher level ultrasound and you get to see great pictures of your little ones, plus if anything is going to go wrong I would like to know as much as possible before hand if I can. We are debating on if we should bring Pie with us or not. It is a pretty long appointment, but we think it might be good for her to check out the babies and see them. But if we do get bad news, I don't know if I want her there. Decisions, decisions.
I am so very happy and grateful to have made it this far. I really hope that everything keeps going strong. I hate IF and Loss and the fear it has instilled in me. I am fully vested in this pregnancy but I cant help but to worry and have anxiety over each day. I am so very sad for all the IF girls on my message board that I have left behind. I hate that anyone is struggling with this and it sickens me about the lack of awareness and support for this disease. I keep wracking my brain about what I can do. What difference can I make? I have to do something on my part to battle this for others. I don't know what it will be.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Triplets day 2
Well. It has been over 24 hours since I found out I am pregnant with triplets. It is starting to sink in a little more. I am still too cautious to tell anyone really. We have told our parents and our siblings and a select couple of others that have been involved in my IF insanity struggles.
I am only 6 weeks along and anything could happen at this point. I could go in next Tues and there could only be 2, or 1!! I am refusing to think they could all go away at this point. I can't think about it.
Or
I could go in and see all 3 with beating hearts! *deep breath* big smile*
I just pray that what ever was meant to happen, happens and that be it 1, 2 or 3 that everybody is safe and healthy! That is my biggest fear.
DH is so excited - it's adorable. He says "I just imagine when all 3 are like 2 years old and crawling all over me and wrestling around and I love it!" sooooo cute :)
I can't believe I have to wait until Tues to have a better idea. tick tock, tick tock...
I am only 6 weeks along and anything could happen at this point. I could go in next Tues and there could only be 2, or 1!! I am refusing to think they could all go away at this point. I can't think about it.
Or
I could go in and see all 3 with beating hearts! *deep breath* big smile*
I just pray that what ever was meant to happen, happens and that be it 1, 2 or 3 that everybody is safe and healthy! That is my biggest fear.
DH is so excited - it's adorable. He says "I just imagine when all 3 are like 2 years old and crawling all over me and wrestling around and I love it!" sooooo cute :)
I can't believe I have to wait until Tues to have a better idea. tick tock, tick tock...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Coming clean
Ok, I pretty much suck at blogging. I got intimidated. I kept feeling like nothing was good enough to post about. Or it was too personal. But I give up on that. I think I am just gunna journal about whatever I am thinking about.
Today? Well .. I.. oh man where do I start?
I have been trying to get pregnant with #2 since Aug 2009. 18 months. In that time I have lost 2 and have had countless BFN's (Big Fat Negative as in pregnancy tests) Maybe I need a glossary? Anyway, I have been seeing an RE starting after my first loss - maybe around June/July 2010. I have been doing non-stop treatments and surgeries and meds.. and well today.... Today I am pregnant!
I actually found out on 2/18/11 and have been having bloodwork to confirm everything was going well. Today I had my first ultrasound. I was so nervous she was gunna give me bad news I could barely breathe. My hubby teased about me having no patience...
Well, I am gunna need to find some because we saw a flashing, beating heart!! In fact not only did we see that - but we also saw 2 more yolk sacs! Yes, that's right. Triplets!!! OMG Triplets!!!
so. currently. right now. today. i am pregnant with triplets!!!!!!!!!!
Baby C had a heartbeat already and we heard it!! It was so cute! Baby A was measuring a day behind (she said that's ok) and had a sac and fetus but no HB yet (normal this early) baby B had a sac and something in there but it wasnt a fetus yet, no HB...... so she is the most worried about that one.
OMG.
Today? Well .. I.. oh man where do I start?
I have been trying to get pregnant with #2 since Aug 2009. 18 months. In that time I have lost 2 and have had countless BFN's (Big Fat Negative as in pregnancy tests) Maybe I need a glossary? Anyway, I have been seeing an RE starting after my first loss - maybe around June/July 2010. I have been doing non-stop treatments and surgeries and meds.. and well today.... Today I am pregnant!
I actually found out on 2/18/11 and have been having bloodwork to confirm everything was going well. Today I had my first ultrasound. I was so nervous she was gunna give me bad news I could barely breathe. My hubby teased about me having no patience...
Well, I am gunna need to find some because we saw a flashing, beating heart!! In fact not only did we see that - but we also saw 2 more yolk sacs! Yes, that's right. Triplets!!! OMG Triplets!!!
so. currently. right now. today. i am pregnant with triplets!!!!!!!!!!
Baby C had a heartbeat already and we heard it!! It was so cute! Baby A was measuring a day behind (she said that's ok) and had a sac and fetus but no HB yet (normal this early) baby B had a sac and something in there but it wasnt a fetus yet, no HB...... so she is the most worried about that one.
OMG.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
pants on the ground
I had my annual review at work this week. I have worked there 9 years! For some reason my boss decided to forgo the typical conference room atmosphere and take me to Tim Horton's. When he IM'd me that my first thought is *Why?* and then in my true worrywart fashion i think *is it because it is a bad review?? and he doesn't think I will freak out on him in a public place? Cus I will. Tim Horton's isn't all the public at 2pm anyway*
Anyway - it turns out - he just wanted coffee.
So as we are pulling away in his car - we see him.
There is a hoopty car with a trailer pulled in at the back of the parking lot. The drivers door is open and in it sits an old man. He is turned sideways and both of his feet are planted on the ground. Aaaaaand his pants are down around his ankles, So here I am in a car with my boss and we are driving straight toward an old man sitting in his car with his pants on the ground! *What is he doing???*
Me: "What is that guy doing? Wait. What? Are those his pants? His pants are down around his ankles! Do you see this?!"
Boss: "Yes they are. Don't look directly at him."
Me: *thinking.. what? are you my dad? what's gunna happen if i look directly at him? will my retinas burn?*
instead I say "oh ok. but why are his pants down! oh. i think he has boxers on though. it's not so bad then"
We pull out of the parking lot and boss says he is gunna call the cops. I think that's a bit extreme - I mean I am not one of "those" that don't call the cops -(that is for later posts) but not for old man pant-less. I convince him we should go back and ask if he needs help and then assess if the cops need called.
We drive back - boss rolls down his window "Do you need help?" *in the most irritated voice EVER. He might as well have threatened "don't fuck up my day old man" old man: "No, thank you. I just had some difficulty breathing but I am better now and I have someone with me helping me. Really, thank you for stopping. Thank you."
*But why are your pants down?? Does it help you breathe? Do you breathe through your testicles????
Needless to say I had that song stuck in my head the rest of the day. "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, why old man do you have your pants on the ground?"
eerily the old man looked amazingly similar to this guy:
Anyway - it turns out - he just wanted coffee.
So as we are pulling away in his car - we see him.
There is a hoopty car with a trailer pulled in at the back of the parking lot. The drivers door is open and in it sits an old man. He is turned sideways and both of his feet are planted on the ground. Aaaaaand his pants are down around his ankles, So here I am in a car with my boss and we are driving straight toward an old man sitting in his car with his pants on the ground! *What is he doing???*
Me: "What is that guy doing? Wait. What? Are those his pants? His pants are down around his ankles! Do you see this?!"
Boss: "Yes they are. Don't look directly at him."
Me: *thinking.. what? are you my dad? what's gunna happen if i look directly at him? will my retinas burn?*
instead I say "oh ok. but why are his pants down! oh. i think he has boxers on though. it's not so bad then"
We pull out of the parking lot and boss says he is gunna call the cops. I think that's a bit extreme - I mean I am not one of "those" that don't call the cops -(that is for later posts) but not for old man pant-less. I convince him we should go back and ask if he needs help and then assess if the cops need called.
We drive back - boss rolls down his window "Do you need help?" *in the most irritated voice EVER. He might as well have threatened "don't fuck up my day old man" old man: "No, thank you. I just had some difficulty breathing but I am better now and I have someone with me helping me. Really, thank you for stopping. Thank you."
*But why are your pants down?? Does it help you breathe? Do you breathe through your testicles????
Needless to say I had that song stuck in my head the rest of the day. "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, why old man do you have your pants on the ground?"
eerily the old man looked amazingly similar to this guy:
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