Sunday, April 17, 2011

12 weeks

Yeah I don't get on here as much as I want to.

A couple things have happened since my last post. At 7 weeks we had an apt and saw all 3 little hearts just beating away! It was amazing, I teared up as did Hubby. After all we have been though it just seemed like a huge miracle and a blessing. Very surreal. It was almost like the 2 babies I had lost were making up for it by giving me 3 at once. I was still holding back my excitement as I know things can change on a dime. My RE discussed the option to reduce down to two and warned us of the dangers of carrying 3 babies. She said if everybody was still going strong at the next appointment she was going to refer us to a specialist to consult further. I was a bit upset and felt like she was putting a huge damper on the excitement we had. We were so happy to see any little heart beating let alone 3!!

We went home and had a few long talks over the next couple of days. We decided that we would consider what the doctor had to say and not completely rule it out - but we were pretty confident that we would continue to carry all 3 babies. "Reducing" one was not something I feel I could do and carry on my conscience. Not after what I have been though to get here. Probably not even if I hadnt been through hell and back to arrive here. They want to do that around 12 weeks! When they look and move around like a baby, have arms, legs, fingers, and toes.. . fingernails even! No way could I kill a healthy one of those, not unless there was some indisputable medical evidence that it would kill me or the other 2 babies.

At 8 weeks we learned that we lost Baby B. Its heart stopped beating and it stopped growing. I was quite a bit beat up about it at first, I had wrapped my brain around and embraced having triplets. I knew it was going to be hard and was risky. I know carrying two has a lot less risk. But losing yet another baby was very upsetting to me. I was a bit upset about how my RE seemed a bit happy about it and relieved that we weren't having three. After all, she had a discussion about reducing one of the 3 right from the beginning. It took a couple of days but I am ok with it now. I have no choice. I will love the remaining two and pray that nothing happens to them.

I really dont feel out of the woods yet. As each week passes and I get more and more confident I let myself worry a little less. I am a nervous wreck before each ultrasound scared they are going to tell me it is all over. I have had 7 ultrasounds so far and I have to say I am in love. I am heads over heels in love with these babies and if something happens to them I am just going to be crushed into a million little pieces.

We told Pie this week. She asks me for a baby sister or brother all.the.time and I have been dying to tell her. We didnt want to tell her and then have to un-tell her. But she asks all the time so I really wanted to spill the beans. Hubby finally agreed to it one night after dinner when she was asking for a sister again. I asked her "how many babies do you think we should have" She held up 2 fingers and said "Two! Two babies." I said something like "well that is good! Pie, we are going to have two babies! There are two babies in Mommy's tummy. You are going to be a big sister!" She instantly started screaming, squealing with happiness saying "yay!!! I am gunna be a big sister! Two babies!!" We all talked about it a bit more to make sure she understood. I dont think she fully gets it but she does understand for the most part.

That night before bed she said "Mommy, how did the babies get in your belly? Did you eat them?" LOL OMG I laughed so hard. I assured her that no, I didnt eat them I am just growing them in there. Next she asked "Did Daddy put them in there." I said "Uh yeah." He did... lol I wonder if she knows more than I give her credit for!!

Tomorrow I have my NT Scan with the specialist at the hospital. They test for Downs and other chromosomal abnormalities. A lot of people opt out of this test, I am not sure why - I guess they don't feel they are at risk or they just don't want to know. It is a higher level ultrasound and you get to see great pictures of your little ones, plus if anything is going to go wrong I would like to know as much as possible before hand if I can. We are debating on if we should bring Pie with us or not. It is a pretty long appointment, but we think it might be good for her to check out the babies and see them. But if we do get bad news, I don't know if I want her there. Decisions, decisions.

I am so very happy and grateful to have made it this far. I really hope that everything keeps going strong. I hate IF and Loss and the fear it has instilled in me. I am fully vested in this pregnancy but I cant help but to worry and have anxiety over each day. I am so very sad for all the IF girls on my message board that I have left behind. I hate that anyone is struggling with this and it sickens me about the lack of awareness and support for this disease. I keep wracking my brain about what I can do. What difference can I make? I have to do something on my part to battle this for others. I don't know what it will be.

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